OK. I CAN UNDERSTAND HAYAO-SENPAI’S POINT: AS SOMEONE WHO HAS WRESTLED WITH THE DESIRE TO COVER SLUGS IN TOOTHPASTE AND REPLACE THE SESAME SEEDS IN A BURGER BUN WITH PEACH PIT SHAVINGS, I KNOW THE EVIL THAT LURKS WITHIN THE SELF; EVEN A CLEANSING REST OR A HOT SHOWER CANNOT PERMANENTLY BEST SUCH VILE MENTAL PHILANDRY.
BUT TO SAY THAT MIYAZAKI’S PROTAGONISTS HAVE ANY SORT OF DEPTH OR REALISM BEYOND A PAIR OF OPPOSITES IN CONFLICT IS TO IGNORE THAT CRIPPLINGLY BANAL SAVIOR COMPLEX HE HAS THEM GOUGE INTO THE AUDIENCE’S MENTAL SOCKETS AD NAUSEAM.
THE AVERAGE MIYAZAKI PROTAGONIST HAS ABOUT AS MUCH CHANCE OF COMMITTING A MORAL MISSTEP AS A JAIN WITHOUT A FLY-SWATTER.
CASE IN POINT?
PRINCE ASHITAKA FROM MONONOKE-HIME
YOU’D BE HARD PRESSED TO FIND A WETTER DREAM FOR LONELY 40-SOMETHING SPINSTERS OUTSIDE OF AN E.L. JAMES NOVEL. THIS GUY ALMOST PUTS JESUS CHRIST TO SHAME WHAT WITH HIS COMPLETE ACCEPTANCE OF DHARMA AND UTTER LACK OF REGRET OR RESISTANCE.
IT’S ALMOST AS IF MIYAZAKI READ THE RAMAYANA AND DECIDED THAT A 2000-YEAR-OLD HINDU FANSERVICE WOULD TRANSLATE WELL TO THE SILVER SCREEN.
MYTHOLOGICAL PLAGIARISM ASIDE, THIS GUY ALSO DEMONSTRATES HIS HEART OF GOLD AND MOUTH OF SILVER UNCEASINGLY BY:
1. INSTANTLY SEEKING TO RECONCILE THE FORCES OF IRON TOWN AND THE NATURAL WORLD WITHOUT ANY CHARACTER BUILDUP OR DEVELOPMENT WHATSOEVER. (EXCEPT THAT LORD ASANO IS LEFT OUT OF THE EQUATION BECAUSE THE ONLY WAY THE SCRIPT COULD SHOVE HIM IN IS BY SHOWING US THE ATROCITIES COMMITTED BY HIS PETTY UNDERLINGS. SO MUCH FOR GOOD AND EVIL NOT EXISTING, HUH? I GUESS SOME GUYS ARE JUST GREEDY BASTARD-FUCKERS WHO DON’T DESERVE TO SEE WITH EYES UNCLOUDED BY HATE LIKE ME, HUH GUYS?)
2. RESPONDING TO EVERY HOSTILE GESTURE BY TURNING THE OTHER CHEEK OR COMPLIMENTING WOLF-GIRL TREEHOUSE DWELLERS ON THEIR PHYSICAL HOTNESS.
3. HELPING HOT MARRIED WOMEN AT WORK AND SIMULTANEOUSLY BETRAYING HIS OWN DHARMA BY NOT COVERING HIS CUTE-ASS FACE AND HENCE ENCOURAGING IMPURE THOUGHTS AMONG THE HAPPILY MARRIED IRON TOWNERS, LEADING TO THE BREAKUP OF A DECADES-LONG SOCIAL STRUCTURE FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY BISHONEN.
4. NEVER EVER DOING SOMETHING WRONG CONSCIOUSLY. EVER.
5. ONLY KILLING ASSHOLES.
ALSO REFUSING TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE PHYSICAL ADVANTAGES OF THE “HATE-ARM” HE POSSESSES, EVEN WHEN IT SAVES HIS SELF-RIGHTEOUS DICKMOUND AFTER GETTING BLASTED BY A (RIGHTFULLY) UPSET HOUSEWIFE, BUT I GUESS I’M DIGRESSING.
THE POINT IS, MR. MIYAZAKI-SAN-SENPAI-UKE-PUKE, THAT I DON’T ADMIRE YOUR BLATANT HYPOCRISY- ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING YOUR LINEAGE WITH LUPIN III, A SERIES WHICH GRIPS THOSE SAME ARCHETYPES YOU CRITICIZE AND TAKES THEM STRAIGHT WITHOUT ANY CHASERS.
I’LL DO YOU THE BENEFIT HERE AND END MY ARGUMENT BEFORE I GET INTO A DISCUSSION ABOUT YOUR HURT-HEAL FETISH, AND HOW IT’S THE ONLY WAY TO GIVE YOUR CHARACTERS ANY DEPTH (WHILE AT THE SAME TIME, CATERING TO ORGASMICALLY-NYMPHATIC FANGIRLS WHO CAN ONLY TOUCH THEMSELVES TO SLEEP AT NIGHT WITH THOUGHTS OF CHANGING LUPIN’S SANGUINE WRAPPINGS).
BUT BEFORE I DO THAT, I WANT TO ASK YOU THIS:
HOW CAN YOU EVEN DEFINE LADY CLARISSE AS AN ARCHETYPE SUBVERTING HEROINE? SHE ILLUSTRATES TYPICAL DAMSEL ICONOGRAPHY NEAR PERFECT FOR FUCK’S SAKE.
